I can't exactly describe my thoughts and feelings today, and by writing it down, I hope I can understand myself a little better and feel a little better.  So this is what happened today.

I attended my friends' and my bestfriend's cousin's graduation in UP today. Me and my bestfriend (Carmela) are former UP students too, and it's funny how things cranked up today. I don't feel really sad and regretful for not being able to continue my education in that very good university. If I must feel sadness, maybe it's only a teeny-weeny fang. I am not sure. Maybe I have been very good in practicing my "numb, other self" to not to feel overly regretful and sad about the UP thing that I have missed. But of course, I won't deny the fact that I feel a little sad too. As I have said, it's only a teeny-weeny fang.

It was my first time to visit that university after applying for an honorable dismissal. I have left lots of memories there, both good and bad. Happy, exciting, and formerly-bad memories-that-turned-to-be-funny ones have been remisnisced by me and Carmela. We've stayed in UP for one full school year, we shared the same dorm, and we shared the same room. Those were one of my most loved and remembered days. So anyway, those were sweet and fun memories that I will always cherish... The program ended quite early, so I just went along with Carmela, her mom, and their relatives. We had lunch at Kuya Ed's.

I am going to continue my BS in Nursing this June.. It's weird when you go back to school again and still unsure of the course you're taking. I am 21 and old enough to not to experience this crisis anymore but the weird thing is, even up to now, I am not sure about this very thing. Maybe because I have this intermittent relationship with this present university I am in...For one year or sem I am in and the next, I'm out. It's bad, it's disappointing, but it's the reality. It sucks but I can't help but be helpless.

Whenever I am in school or in my shift in the hospital, I feel so into it like I have this "This is really my thing" feeling. But it's weird that when I am not into school, I don't feel that passion anymore. What I only have left is the passion to go back to school and nothing else.

It's weird when I feel like I am a person with no clear purpose in living. It sucks when you doubt the meaning of your existence..and that is what I am feeling now. I always wanted to become somebody who can be of service to others, and I would like to believe that it is what I want. If I need or have to be a nurse to fulfill my purpose, then let it be. If I need to be a nun, then let it be. If I am to be a missionary, let it be. If I am to do whatever it takes to fulfill my purpose or my passion, I will do in any way to fulfill it. Because I believe that a person exists not only for the mere fact of existing, but because a person exists for a purpose... Now, I still am not sure if what I am pursuing is the real purpose of my existence... and this makes me crazy.